did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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