No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
