I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
