I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
