remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
