I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
