i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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