I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
