My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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