If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize