Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
