Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
