All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
