just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
