He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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