3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
