I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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