i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
