I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
barbara walters just said penis...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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