This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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