Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
