Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
