i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
