He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
