We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
