How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
