I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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