is wine microwaveable?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
