Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
