DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
