I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize