Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
