I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
