I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
That accounts for only three of the penises
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
