Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
