You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
