All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
