Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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