I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
