I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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