True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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