Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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