i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
