Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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