if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
