The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
