I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
