well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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