I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We are two peas in an std pod
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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