i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Who died my cat blue again?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
