i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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