The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
