Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
