Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
