dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
