you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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