dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
