im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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