i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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