I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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